i loved my body in my bathtub today.
in the modern sense i am not. but for its most intricate and higher-dimensional definition, my body was loved today.
i was feeling sorry for myself earlier, and perhaps for longer, with a pain of my vessel that was threatening a collapse. i have been quite lazy for some time i suppose, and i gave my body a sudden, heavy workout too fast and lasting several hours. my body hurt, and i haven't been sleeping well, etcetera etcetera. i allowed a physical pain to bring me down.
i needed something and yet i wouldn't permit myself to deliver.
i turned on the shower, it began to feel warmer in the room. my mind slipped into an automatic instinctual zone, and i felt a barrier that had seemed to have been snuggly constricting my body begin to crack.
i stepped inside, my aching feet and weak legs and knees found it difficult to stand confidently, afraid its sore and tired host might slip. my mind instantly rooted itself to my, well, roots, and my top half's energy, spirit, what-have-you, was pulled down. if only words can describe the sensation of your spirit self escaping body and putting all attention on your legs alone...
the speeding, and near to scalding water droplets attacked my skin. but in a good way, as highly intensified light energies igniting your body ablaze in random sequential, microscopic-like specks! i felt them at my feet first, (i felt my feet! the numbness burned away!) and the trickle and splatter of light moved gingerly up my legs. i took a sturdy dive underwater and felt the heat penetrate my scalp, run down my body as if quite anxious to meet in the middle the warmth from my roots.
the light did in fact meet in the middle, and breached the core, sending my spirit into a mesmerizing explosion, shattering that restricting shell and allowing my chakras to align, and spirit form to engulf with love and radiate around my body in a glorious divinely passionate blaze!
another dip into the waterfall!
i immersed myself into the moments, savoring every timeless experience and connecting with divinity at full flowing power.
i grabbed some shampoo, and worked it into my follicles, my cells, my atoms, every clean massaging moment fusing seamlessly into the next. i rinsed it, again moving my head beneath the shower head and feeling the warmth light up my body, top to bottom. i reached for the conditioner, and massaged it into my cap as well, with a smooth pressure from my tips of fingertips. it was as if a lock were being picked (or perhaps the lock combination was subconsciously being administered) and my crown chakra was released into the heavens, crossing any and all significant time and space, and embraced the divine.
the smell of the soap was invigorating, to say the least, and the body wash was that of black currants and vanilla bean, a sensual aroma, one to ignite the soul and bring it to a physically-sensitive peak. after applying it to a bundle of cloth-like mesh, i wet my skin and began a tender, yet pressured scrub. the mesh was like miniature chisels, scraping the layer of skin permeated with negative energy from my body, and with that a layer of self-love and light emerged victorious! for how long this lasted is of no importance, as time existed not in that feeling.
i felt beautiful, and held myself tightly, my muscles relaxed and unnoticeable. i needed no legs to stand, yet they were strong and i was confident in stance.
the water slipped off me like silk, and i basked in the heat for many years, many moons, many dimensional layers, slowly slipping to the current. i touched back down on mother earth, her grassy back a welcome treat. i was home within myself, valiant, if only all could experience this bliss and complete understanding! i loved myself, respected it, admired it, touched it, felt every microscopic particle as part of the mother and the divine and the moon and the water and all of that is such a magnificent splendor and keen examples of how beautiful this place is and how wonderful it is to be a part of it and that if all of that is pure, untarnished beauty than surely, as i am spawned from that very soil, i must be beauty as well. exactly the way i came out. the mother, nature, the divine, and we, we do not make mistakes. things happen precisely the way they should.
the towel patted my moist flesh with a delicate softness that seemed to leave the feeling of the wet without the water. a noise stirred outside the room where i stood bare and exposed. by habit, i locked the door, covered myself up...what shame! i realized what i had done, stupefied. my lungs filled with love, and exhaled the self-disgust still tucked away in the crevices of my heart. my drying cloth dropped to the floor, and my back straightened. i felt my hand move to the door to undo the locking action, allowing any possible chance of an accidental barge-in. and would they be so lucky! to be able to see me in my most purest of forms! would i shy away, coy and blushing? would i loathe them? would i hate myself for letting someone see such beast as me?? NO! i would stand tall and radiant: YES THIS IS ME, i would pronounce as their eyes' apertures struggled to stretch to allow such brightness as one with divinity seeping from pores in, YOU ARE LOOKING AT TRUE BEAUTY, BEHOLD, WHAT LOVE ONE CAN HAVE FOR THEMSELVES CAN DO, HOW IT CAN SHINE! HOW MUCH THE HEAVENS CAN BE SEEN IN YOUR FORM!
alas, there was no such barge-in, my skin was rubbed in a loving manner by gentle hands coated in cherry lotion, my loose pajamas hung off of all the necessary places, but not superfluously. hair conditioned and combed through with fingers, feeling every follicle, every root of hair.
my moment was over before it began, it seemed, at first, and i was curious as whether i may have dreamed it. what difference could that possibly have on it, though? it was a manifestation in the most innocent of senses, an energy-aligning revelation of high importance and utter beauty. whether it happened in this plane or not is no par for course. my body received precisely what it needed, what it had been desiring for a long while: love. whereas in the past i had thought only another's love for my ship (save its captain) would matter, and without it my ship beached, at some times midland.
that love for body did not come and stay in such an instant. but it was a signal that i'm running down the right track, thinking the right things about myself. in retrospect i wish i'd have held to that feeling for dear life. it began with self-pity, and has seemed to end with a level of the same. if i made that happen, however, if i tapped into that faucet of knowledge and truth, if i allowed that love and positivity to flow at a most extraordinary rate, then surely it will happen again, just as it needs to. phantom depths to the soul stay dormant for not as long as it would seem, and out of the shadows they shall venture.
its just up to me to keep the door open, welcoming their return, embracing them passionately, and holding on to them longer next time.
until then....another shower perhaps.

<3