the tenaciously hot july sun had creeped to its bedchambers, transforming the long drips of shadow to a mere underscoring line on the thick stucco exterior walls. inside, several inches from a long mirror, cross-legged on the carpet, i hunted for a truth buried somewhere, i knew, deep within my skin. perhaps further. its existence had taunted me since my toddler stages, a predator planning the perfect strike, and as my eyes chiseled away at my reflections' persistence, i knew an effective bait had been cast.
time fell with the shadows, stumbling from my senses. it was as important as the clothes i wore, or what i'd consumed that day. i was in the moment, in the truest of perceptions, where life was no longer a series of these blips, but a coherently overlapped hodgepodge creating one, single instant.
i could see the mirror-man begin to falter. it was only a matter of diligence now, how badly was i to have it? the looming knowledge of something so much more than me over so many years was, if anything, a tumultuous, undying distraction. all experiences had been leading to this, one way or another, and in many instances, my choices were based on my hunt for that hidden answer. or perhaps, my desire for that answer better aided in my understanding of the choices i made.
tomato, tomäto.
the air was damn near gelatinous, cushioning my body from any sways side to side, back to front, and helping to allow my mind to flow freely from its host, chakras aligned and cemented. it felt good to be that involved, that seperated from my 'reality'. i was in no room, no house, no city...i was an energy among many, innumerable. immaculate.
feeling everything was terrifying at first, however there was a strength in soul, steel blood. i connected with the life-force of all that was as i was beginning to ascertain my position as one with all. an extreme of extreme light of light swelled inside and outside. white, blinding, glorious. pure.
i was going to know that truth, it was here, it was in this light.
i blinked.
no, darker, faded. it began to feel sticky again, i could sense particulars. i was willing to accept this! why wouldn't it uncover itself? self-conciousness reappeared, laughing. a large mental finger seemed to be shaking in my general area, pointing at my child-self's face, blushing dimples. laughing again, was someone else here?
it was near darkness now, a sore leg was revealed to exist, the mirror began to solidify, reforming a smiling, ignorant person in its skin. my stomach was upset and grumbling softly, the sound of a splashing sea surrounding a melancholy ship, being tricked into thinking it had hit land.
i blinked again.
the water from the faucet retired the jet-lag feeling that seemed to control me. it had been an intense experience, eye-opening, yes, but a rather eye-closing one as well. after coming to terms i was back in the room, filling my body again, i sensed a tear form and fall, and stood up. shakily (and rather disappointingly) i picked my feet up one by one, opening closures in my veins that had formed during however long i sat, and went to the bathroom, where i was now rinsing the sweat-drenched pores of my face. the liquid molested my skin, tightening it back around this reality, and forcing placement of my soul.
i looked up. my body, my vessel, was nothing that this society has forced us to believe worthy of attraction. skin pockets of fat hung from my ribs and underarms. pudgy would be appropriate. my shirt hugged the lumps of my torso, and my loose flannel bottoms aerated my legs. my collar had begun to moisten from my face's runoff. i grabbed a green towel folded purposefully atop my toilet and dried myself. my eyes shifted reluctantly to the light exposed to them as i set the towel down. i was here now.
my feet seemed to have been placed on auto-pilot as they shifted back and forth, one ahead of the other, into my room. there was an unspoken solace contained in these walls. there hadn't been a time since my school days where i had my own space. everything in here was mine, a seemingly selfish statement, but without selfishness humans would've evolved to light ages ago, and i was but human. before this room, my humanity, my person was sacrificed for others wants and wishes. friends, roommates, ex-lovers. all had ruled my thinking, and with that i had lost whatever progress towards self-fulfillment i had achieved sans-them. this space however, each wrinkle of fabric and intricately-placed trinket, was by my own accord. this somewhat insignificant notion was truly the forefront platform for which i was able to delve deep within and begin again to find myself.
the bed was softer than usual, as though my body had been beaten for hours and now reached pillows of clouds. every muscle relaxed and folded into the sheets, absorbing the cotton weaving as its own. bliss seemed reachable, but fleeting. it was amazing how tiring that expansive journey was, yet now, as i lay face-down amongst a giant stuffed dog, i wanted nothing more for it to happen again. the aftermath was worth every physical pain experienced, every lost breath my lungs struggled to keep up with. to worry over such a thing as pain of my body (something i controlled regardless) for the greater good of total soul fulfillment seemed superfluous. body rests, it heals, if i allowed it to affect me, it would. i vowed silently to myself i wouldn't permit the pain access next time.