i wanna wake this crowd up.
help them scream
and release their forgivable feelings.
help sprout those seeds
that millennia of forward motion
forths not backs
and evolution of the wavelength
had planted in us.
birth of light.
explosion the grandeur.
this task proves tedious.
it is not i who sparks ignition.
my love and positivity can
...however...
tingle their senses
help show them the fuse.
they will see then
what a powerful force it is!
the ease! the love!
why hadn't i known this before?
they say
so obviously better wisdom.
that...appreciation of discovery
stumbling into that loophole of freedom
simplistic and divine
...however...
is ecstatic in its own light.
who am i to devoid one of love?
amazement is daily.
the echo supremely serene.
i jitter and stutter
clattering jaws and anticipation
watching them learn.
kinda cute, glorious.
a cosmic alarm buzzing solemnly
generations waking up.

up.

so much peace deprived
and loved pushed on the back burner.
the mother, the universe,
is tired, and beginning a cleanse.
enamatic bliss.
grab your coffee and put on your best.
rinse and rise and shine.

shine.
its so simple.
rinse.
go with the flow.
rise.
love guiding.

its one to scribble notes
across a personal drone-maker screen.
but to just
fuckin
get it.
is entirely another.
one worth the trouble and journey.
love it baby.
how much clearer it is,
no more nonsense hussle and bussle
the fuzzy in the brain.
like, just instinct.
no thinking.
let the life flow, that vibrant vibration,
move you. awake you.
gyrate your vessel
to the tunes it sings.
do what you need to do,
wholesomeness granted at exit.
your materials laid before you.
manifesting your perceptions
manipulating your environment.
your energy is your fuel.
simplistic.
open that heart up wide.
love, your backbone.
you will see so much.

so much.
what a wonderful day
in the universe
each one is
no matter what
after that.

so much.
joy.
divine.



<3

why can't our hearts stay open?
valves sealing and sliding back.
i want to be an ever-blossoming rose
spread wide and flourishing
sunlight my supporter.
i have earthy roots
wedged deep in the grass.
the harshest winds and rain
can try to tear me apart
but spring is coming again.
i found a shut valve today
and released it.
its feeling was immeasurable
and i blossomed again.
everyday it seems the world closes up
pellets of negative emotions
targeting our progression
i can't sit still in the earth
and take it anymore.
vines must grow and infiltrate
the gardens of the hopeless.
unselfishly spreading seeds of goodwill.
weeds will be lost in the process
this realization must be grasped.
crops will perish.
the mulch left rotting
will revitalize the beauty.
nothing worth anything comes easy.
in the end,
while standing tall alongside father oak
on the ruins of the past
layered thick in sprouts
of dreams to be reckoned,
we will clutch our weathered hearts
and understand that the pain
that had survived so long
in our love-deprived planet
was only a test.
and the universe, grand and just,
rewarded the conscious with collapse
and fresh dirt.
the seeds are being planted
and only the shit-storm we're facing
will nourish what is to come.
love will flow freely.
it will be our only language.
it will glitter the fields of tomorrow
with christ-like petals
on the flowers of our hearts.
we must only root deep in ourselves
and in faith and truth.
realization in full power.
awakening on the horizon.


<3

the resistance is crumbling crumbling
breaking off of my skin
i have paint chips breaking free
hairs pushing them out
i think this is a sampling sampling
of what its like to join
i am no longer an 'i'
in a sea of 'myself'
rather a soldier cell conjoining conjoining
mass blood in one vein
where i am never alone
and that thought couldn't settle
its simply troubling troubling
if i pause and look inside
there's no longer self-loathing
a reflection of pity and spite
thats all-encompassing compassing
the world only gives me
what i feel about myself
and i want love and peace, man
a pleasant remodeling modeling
i thought so many 'no's'
would bring me to my knees
but all i'm hearing are different 'yes's'
perception changing its facings
wallowing is favorite
among societies sheep
and dammit i'm not one of the flock
this i'm realizing realizing
i have a soul that needs to stretch
its been pushed back too long
riding backseat to my ego
legs are cramping and cramping
its time i take shotgun
to my fulfillment and light
and when i find myself 'alone'
inner truth resisting resisting
uncork that power
and bask in all that there is
cuz its all part of me anyways
i'm not overthinking my thinking
but i am numb to the bullshit
its slipping clean off of me
the real truth is fuzing
love is appealingly pleasing
you can keep that negativity
i had enough of my own
and i fessed up to it
took responsibility-bility
i didn't point the finger
the other three honesty
i am not a product of your beliefs
keep on mumbling mumbling
the only true way to live
is to do just that
and realize you make your life
stop your grumbling grumbling
and make that shit work.


i am done.


writers block has been chiseled...but now theres an ugly ass statue in the way. i need to get all u.s. army on that shit and pull the mothafucka down.
maybe tomorrow.

my soul-searching is hitting a barricade, and truckin to the mountains seems the right and necessary thing to do...is that a scapegoat? is that an excuse? is the mountain air really a tonic for my sickened spiritual stomach? or am i putting it off for some reason i have yet to admit to...i don't know. my head is empty and full at the same time. i am indifferent and lost. hopeful and willing, yet deprived and troubled. i think perhaps...mountains and forest and nature and untarnished beauty could still do me good. its congested here, and i have sinus problems.  i want to feel something. but i don't know whats right to feel...or something like that. my vessel, my ship, its dying, and i'm letting it pull me down with it. i'm rambling whatever pops into my head, and its still not bringing an emotion to the table. my world is a potluck held by anorexics.

i'm done again. need to step away.
for now....thought and company. perhaps some tobacco.

<3

indifference is the worst bite to acquire
purgatory is neither warm nor cold
but i couldn't care either way.
the fluid drips from the fangs into the wounds
carving the landscape to suit the flow
it saturates into what are now canyons
nothing can stop it, it seems.
i'm shaking my head to stop
and relishing in the experience
and i'm left with nothing.
its no longer a two way road
its no longer a path
its mindless meandering, body falling into place
i've always said whatever happens happens
i didn't know this is what i meant.
i hear a wolf in the distance, so cunning
he wants to come near my half-frightened stance.
my heart feels compressed and screams for resolution
i want him here!
i want him gone!
the pointless batter of soupy dough.
i can feel the stream in my toes now, squirming.
deceiving my feet.
the howl startles me, and warms this place.
i like the call, and listen to brother wolf.
my heart is pounding again, indifferent,
avoiding conclusion.
looking around all i see is the fangs
the uncaring worries.
its spinning me around and around
i'm a shaker of fluids and toxicity.
but how i love the dry mouth!
i know who i am, now comes another dilemma:
what do i want?
i want it to work how it should.
if the poison is to change me, than it shall.
i don't want to fight life anymore.
if wolf won't call on my comfort...
than he shan't.
i've tried to make these stings beneficial for so long
i've attempted to control what will be.
i've manifested when it was right.
and thats what it should be.
purgatory is a comfort food.
indifference is the sweet sap of acceptance.
the mother whispers her melodies and i will listen
absorb all that i can.
the toxins shall fade, my heart will cease to tense.
sometime, if the wolf will meander
if he will sling his form into mine
i will accept it. embrace it.
but not expect it, nor demand it.
i mustn’t be like the poison
and carve and adjust and control
and grow weary if there’s no stone to chip
no crystal to uncover.
they will reveal themselves willing.
i can speak these foreign tongues fluently.
these passages to completeness,
but the resonation is distant.
an echo in my subconscious.
a howling in a blackened terrain.
i ask myself forgiveness for the blockades
put up, mother knows how long before.
i am a constant balancing act
tip-toeing the faint yin/yang line
the happiness and unsettledness
the crisply clean and the eye-fogging dust
i beg myself resistance dropped
and water, poison, astringent, tarnish
to bust through my heart and brain
encompass my everything,
disease into prepared acceptance
and free-flowing free-spiritedness.
unforced.
uncorked.
just.


<3

i just can't be around you
and yet thats all i want
to feel your air and let you catch my breath
though i could easily let it fall
i even laugh a special way
when you look into my eyes
its so much more than weak at the knees
you simply penetrate my soul
i remember that one day we met
cause it wasn't long ago
where i saw you and only you walking
i felt as thin as smoke
and expected you to pass through me
but you stopped, and i was raptured
we talked like we didn't have to
and like we'd been doing it forever
your gaze a blanket for my freezing heart
but don't worry
i won't fall in love with you
but don't worry
i won't i won't fall in love with you

cause you'll probably see to that
i'm sure you can't be all that good
though you play it quite well
it'll happen that i'll begin to trust
those little things you say
and the way you touch me everywhere
without asking if its ok
(it is)
i'm sure you could carry my heart
for many moons passing
and beg for me to be there
and i may just depend on you being there for me
we'll laugh at all the stupid things
that we will only know about
and when we go to be with everyone
we'll probably end up loners
in a corner or somewhere silent
making our own fun whatever way we can
and when i'm gone you just might miss me
and ask me when i return
if i could just never leave again
but don't worry
i won't fall in love with you
but don't worry
i won't i won't fall in love with you

cause i'll probably see to that
you'll find out that i'm not that good
and i do a good job of showing it
i love myself so much and am very proud
but i know that i'll disappoint
and you deserve better than that
i'll convince myself i won't be around you
and try to avoid your glare
but i'll still find my way into your light
and in sight of your ravaging spheres
i'll make excuses to touch you
and allow you to touch me back
you'll teach me things i may have already known
but just wanted to hear from your mouth
and if that day comes
when you might make a move
i'll turn away, turn back again
and pray you're truly true
cause i don't want to give everything
if i'm not getting it back too
but don't worry
i won't fall in love with you
but don't worry
i won't i won't fall in love with you

cause fate probably will see to that
it'll turn out your just a great friend
and i just need to stop falling
it seems that if a decent man
comes tumbling around
i see a light in bleak romantic darkness
and fearfully latch on
and you couldn't be more great
if i engineered you myself
but perhaps i did, because you just get it
you're just on it, you just know it
and without saying a thing
(and it hasn't been that long!)
i just feel your simultaneous pulse
and know you recognize the same
but your great as just here
in this time and place
like those great ones before you
and the great ones that'll come later
i need to recognize that i am great too
and i don't need some high up
pedestal weilding greek god
to give me worth
so don't worry
i won't fall in love with you
don't please don't worry
cuz i won't i won't fall in love with you

but i can't help but worrying
that i'll fall in love with you
that someday, somewhere far away
i will fall in love with you

<3

the tenaciously hot july sun had creeped to its bedchambers, transforming the long drips of shadow to a mere underscoring line on the thick stucco exterior walls. inside, several inches from a long mirror, cross-legged on the carpet, i hunted for a truth buried somewhere, i knew, deep within my skin. perhaps further. its existence had taunted me since my toddler stages, a predator planning the perfect strike, and as my eyes chiseled away at my reflections' persistence, i knew an effective bait had been cast.
time fell with the shadows, stumbling from my senses. it was as important as the clothes i wore, or what i'd consumed that day. i was in the moment, in the truest of perceptions, where life was no longer a series of these blips, but a coherently overlapped hodgepodge creating one, single instant.
i could see the mirror-man begin to falter. it was only a matter of diligence now, how badly was i to have it? the looming knowledge of something so much more than me over so many years was, if anything, a tumultuous, undying distraction. all experiences had been leading to this, one way or another, and in many instances, my choices were based on my hunt for that hidden answer. or perhaps, my desire for that answer better aided in my understanding of the choices i made.
tomato, tomäto.
the air was damn near gelatinous, cushioning my body from any sways side to side, back to front, and helping to allow my mind to flow freely from its host, chakras aligned and cemented. it felt good to be that involved, that seperated from my 'reality'. i was in no room, no house, no city...i was an energy among many, innumerable. immaculate.
feeling everything was terrifying at first, however there was a strength in soul, steel blood. i connected with the life-force of all that was as i was beginning to ascertain my position as one with all. an extreme of extreme light of light swelled inside and outside. white, blinding, glorious. pure.
i was going to know that truth, it was here, it was in this light.
i blinked.
no, darker, faded. it began to feel sticky again, i could sense particulars. i was willing to accept this! why wouldn't it uncover itself? self-conciousness reappeared, laughing. a large mental finger seemed to be shaking in my general area, pointing at my child-self's face, blushing dimples. laughing again, was someone else here?
it was near darkness now, a sore leg was revealed to exist, the mirror began to solidify, reforming a smiling, ignorant person in its skin. my stomach was upset and grumbling softly, the sound of a splashing sea surrounding a melancholy ship, being tricked into thinking it had hit land.
i blinked again.
the water from the faucet retired the jet-lag feeling that seemed to control me. it had been an intense experience, eye-opening, yes, but a rather eye-closing one as well. after coming to terms i was back in the room, filling my body again, i sensed a tear form and fall, and stood up. shakily (and rather disappointingly) i picked my feet up one by one, opening closures in my veins that had formed during however long i sat, and went to the bathroom, where i was now rinsing the sweat-drenched pores of my face. the liquid molested my skin, tightening it back around this reality, and forcing placement of my soul.
i looked up. my body, my vessel, was nothing that this society has forced us to believe worthy of attraction. skin pockets of fat hung from my ribs and underarms. pudgy would be appropriate. my shirt hugged the lumps of my torso, and my loose flannel bottoms aerated my legs. my collar had begun to moisten from my face's runoff. i grabbed a green towel folded purposefully atop my toilet and dried myself. my eyes shifted reluctantly to the light exposed to them as i set the towel down. i was here now.
my feet seemed to have been placed on auto-pilot as they shifted back and forth, one ahead of the other, into my room. there was an unspoken solace contained in these walls. there hadn't been a time since my school days where i had my own space. everything in here was mine, a seemingly selfish statement, but without selfishness humans would've evolved to light ages ago, and i was but human. before this room, my humanity, my person was sacrificed for others wants and wishes. friends, roommates, ex-lovers. all had ruled my thinking, and with that i had lost whatever progress towards self-fulfillment i had achieved sans-them. this space however, each wrinkle of fabric and intricately-placed trinket, was by my own accord. this somewhat insignificant notion was truly the forefront platform for which i was able to delve deep within and begin again to find myself.
the bed was softer than usual, as though my body had been beaten for hours and now reached pillows of clouds. every muscle relaxed and folded into the sheets, absorbing the cotton weaving as its own. bliss seemed reachable, but fleeting. it was amazing how tiring that expansive journey was, yet now, as i lay face-down amongst a giant stuffed dog, i wanted nothing more for it to happen again. the aftermath was worth every physical pain experienced, every lost breath my lungs struggled to keep up with. to worry over such a thing as pain of my body (something i controlled regardless) for the greater good of total soul fulfillment seemed superfluous. body rests, it heals, if i allowed it to affect me, it would. i vowed silently to myself i wouldn't permit the pain access next time.

</div>

i loved my body in my bathtub today.
in the modern sense i am not. but for its most intricate and higher-dimensional definition, my body was loved today.
i was feeling sorry for myself earlier, and perhaps for longer, with a pain of my vessel that was threatening a collapse. i have been quite lazy for some time i suppose, and i gave my body a sudden, heavy workout too fast and lasting several hours. my body hurt, and i haven't been sleeping well, etcetera etcetera. i allowed a physical pain to bring me down.
i needed something and yet i wouldn't permit myself to deliver.
i turned on the shower, it began to feel warmer in the room. my mind slipped into an automatic instinctual zone, and i felt a barrier that had seemed to have been snuggly constricting my body begin to crack.
i stepped inside, my aching feet and weak legs and knees found it difficult to stand confidently, afraid its sore and tired host might slip. my mind instantly rooted itself to my, well, roots, and my top half's energy, spirit, what-have-you, was pulled down. if only words can describe the sensation of your spirit self escaping body and putting all attention on your legs alone...
the speeding, and near to scalding water droplets attacked my skin. but in a good way, as highly intensified light energies igniting your body ablaze in random sequential, microscopic-like specks! i felt them at my feet first, (i felt my feet! the numbness burned away!) and the trickle and splatter of light moved gingerly up my legs. i took a sturdy dive underwater and felt the heat penetrate my scalp, run down my body as if quite anxious to meet in the middle the warmth from my roots.
the light did in fact meet in the middle, and breached the core, sending my spirit into a mesmerizing explosion, shattering that restricting shell and allowing my chakras to align, and spirit form to engulf with love and radiate around my body in a glorious divinely passionate blaze!
another dip into the waterfall!
i immersed myself into the moments, savoring every timeless experience and connecting with divinity at full flowing power.
i grabbed some shampoo, and worked it into my follicles, my cells, my atoms, every clean massaging moment fusing seamlessly into the next. i rinsed it, again moving my head beneath the shower head and feeling the warmth light up my body, top to bottom. i reached for the conditioner, and massaged it into my cap as well, with a smooth pressure from my tips of fingertips. it was as if a lock were being picked (or perhaps the lock combination was subconsciously being administered) and my crown chakra was released into the heavens, crossing any and all significant time and space, and embraced the divine.
the smell of the soap was invigorating, to say the least, and the body wash was that of black currants and vanilla bean, a sensual aroma, one to ignite the soul and bring it to a physically-sensitive peak. after applying it to a bundle of cloth-like mesh, i wet my skin and began a tender, yet pressured scrub. the mesh was like miniature chisels, scraping the layer of skin permeated with negative energy from my body, and with that a layer of self-love and light emerged victorious! for how long this lasted is of no importance, as time existed not in that feeling.
i felt beautiful, and held myself tightly, my muscles relaxed and unnoticeable. i needed no legs to stand, yet they were strong and i was confident in stance.
the water slipped off me like silk, and i basked in the heat for many years, many moons, many dimensional layers, slowly slipping to the current. i touched back down on mother earth, her grassy back a welcome treat. i was home within myself, valiant, if only all could experience this bliss and complete understanding! i loved myself, respected it, admired it, touched it, felt every microscopic particle as part of the mother and the divine and the moon and the water and all of that is such a magnificent splendor and keen examples of how beautiful this place is and how wonderful it is to be a part of it and that if all of that is pure, untarnished beauty than surely, as i am spawned from that very soil, i must be beauty as well. exactly the way i came out. the mother, nature, the divine, and we, we do not make mistakes. things happen precisely the way they should.
the towel patted my moist flesh with a delicate softness that seemed to leave the feeling of the wet without the water. a noise stirred outside the room where i stood bare and exposed. by habit, i locked the door, covered myself up...what shame! i realized what i had done, stupefied. my lungs filled with love, and exhaled the self-disgust still tucked away in the crevices of my heart. my drying cloth dropped to the floor, and my back straightened. i felt my hand move to the door to undo the locking action, allowing any possible chance of an accidental barge-in. and would they be so lucky! to be able to see me in my most purest of forms! would i shy away, coy and blushing? would i loathe them? would i hate myself for letting someone see such beast as me?? NO! i would stand tall and radiant: YES THIS IS ME, i would pronounce as their eyes' apertures struggled to stretch to allow such brightness as one with divinity seeping from pores in, YOU ARE LOOKING AT TRUE BEAUTY, BEHOLD, WHAT LOVE ONE CAN HAVE FOR THEMSELVES CAN DO, HOW IT CAN SHINE! HOW MUCH THE HEAVENS CAN BE SEEN IN YOUR FORM!
alas, there was no such barge-in, my skin was rubbed in a loving manner by gentle hands coated in cherry lotion, my loose pajamas hung off of all the necessary places, but not superfluously. hair conditioned and combed through with fingers, feeling every follicle, every root of hair.
my moment was over before it began, it seemed, at first, and i was curious as whether i may have dreamed it. what difference could that possibly have on it, though? it was a manifestation in the most innocent of senses, an energy-aligning revelation of high importance and utter beauty. whether it happened in this plane or not is no par for course. my body received precisely what it needed, what it had been desiring for a long while: love. whereas in the past i had thought only another's love for my ship (save its captain) would matter, and without it my ship beached, at some times midland.
that love for body did not come and stay in such an instant. but it was a signal that i'm running down the right track, thinking the right things about myself. in retrospect i wish i'd have held to that feeling for dear life. it began with self-pity, and has seemed to end with a level of the same. if i made that happen, however, if i tapped into that faucet of knowledge and truth, if i allowed that love and positivity to flow at a most extraordinary rate, then surely it will happen again, just as it needs to. phantom depths to the soul stay dormant for not as long as it would seem, and out of the shadows they shall venture.
its just up to me to keep the door open, welcoming their return, embracing them passionately, and holding on to them longer next time.
until then....another shower perhaps.

<3

i want to believe that kosher and clean is all thats between
filling my sheets is a solo voyage
and i'm a good captain
but sometimes i see you, hear you, think of you.
lying to oneself could never feel so evident.
you're an unreachable itch,
one that i miss terribly when i can't feel you,
but wish with all the mightiest of heavenly backscratchers
that you'd fade from me.
its a deep sea dive to find why you reach that part.
you shouldn't, hand in cookie jar, tiptoed into sight,
but i like it. NO. but yes.
a beacon of the most desirable.
i confuse myself with your fascinations
a hallucinating light to my shadow-drenched eyes
you are all that i could ever want and more,
yet nothing i deserve nor can hope for.
i've grown to accept the itch, the lonely sheets.
a slow and tasty poison.
and even gone so far as to fill the already filled holes
in my heart, courtesy of you.
there's no doubt blindsiding brain
that on some coexisting plane
some fairytale version of it all
your hand cups mine, standing proud side by side
in all encompassing love and union.
oh wicked passages dreams can be!!
that i've seen such nonsense in a sleepy vision.
every waking day is an awakening disappointment.
no, i've stopped that business of frowns,
mine cemented topside down,
and the blissfully dulling confusion lives on.
i ache to feel your aura, your light.
i tell myself i don't want to talk with you everynight
so that my dreamscape doors stay locked.
i force my feelings down, clogging heart,
so that i won't be deserted in a flurry of heartbreak.
i want you one way above all, the way i've grown for,
the way we are. it'll feel better eventually.
till time of resurrection occurs,
flattened neatly betwixt the sheets, pulling into harbor,
poison sitting tauntingly on my chestplate,
and hoping a beacon turns on tonight,
shining vibrantly against a cracked open portal,
so living vicariously and fulfillingly is tonights manifesto.

i feel a scar becoming. like a surge of overwhelming fascinations, ones to leave lasting impressions, emblazoned on spirit.
looking forward to these deep contusions would undercut superfluously.
i must simply readjust my lifeflow, nay, attitude and position. things will happen as they must, and this definitely is must, dust unswept, clung to fabric of soul.
a revisitation to yesteryear when things may have seemed negative, feelings escaping grasp, tears shed and given to mother hesitantly. i shall view these wounds as ingredients in brew for a completed meal, one to be indulged with great anticipation. hearty and full bodied.
pasts are unchanged, yet perspectives on them aren't, and as death can be seen of passage towards light, so can demons behind push towards divine connection. we have all wronged, though through facing those that have done wronging, including self, and forgiving with love, oh how one can rise!
i've seen visions of inner peace and acceptance. true love at its most difficult test. thoughts and self still stand betwixt.
the road leads to many a destination, are we there yet?
that aside, and not by far, is escaping assumingly predisposed heart pumps.
i had felt feelings were gone and moving on was pertinent, although it was sunrise consistently with you. happiness never derived from another so tout de suite, yet another emerged from a statewide shadow of arrogance and hopelessness. and though happiness, since not fully embraced in self, will not be reached in brash stance, attempts will clearly be established.
revelation reached...
a snag from behind has heeded growth. a bowl of negative forces was put to blame, and shamefully shoved in face. the hook and sinker was within, of course. fog disappearing. transfixed on another and waiting for those desired, yet unreasonable and not in cards, actions, were nothing but weights on the ankles. dragging and bringing down. for a dream to present itself with another is reasonable, even expected, but one shouldn't pause a life for it. i have a love. and it shall remain that way. but i will be loved in return, without you.
and so a trekking of dream journeys continue. preposterous and inexplicably vexatious, though warming as a mother's embrace. they stem from past contracts, or is it current? for the stream may have started somewhere else, but it was here before then too. either way, if a heart connects with those it can closely relate to at that soul's moment, then i shall get excited, yet expect nothing. i want for wholeness, a deeply penetrating desire. another shall want of same, and i attract.
of course, to say all the right things is both mesmerizing and precocious, and early explosions require a certain amount of fear. fear being ignorance. its still early and the sun hasn't fully risen, so playing it cool and calm is the only way. i shall step into the stream and embrace the rushing presence of my lifepath. i have love and positivity.
thats all i need.
the cuts have been deep, and i will cut deeper to reach them...
but perhaps, after wounds seal over, and skin breaches canyon, another soul connected assists.
we shall see.

<3

it sometimes gets hard to decipher between fear and ignorance. i know i'm ignorant over some of the things that have been happening, and when i slip and lose myself, i become mildly fearful. and of what? of my mind? the power i have over my universe? the various passages i contain within myself? its all of these and none of these.
but i'm standing tall and embracing it head-on, for i know that lessons are in store, lessons eager to be learned by me. and i want to experience the wonder and amazing adventure and knowledge and truth that comes with it.
what comes of dreamspace.
to quote one of the greatest movies of all time: thought is real, physical is the illusion, ironic isn't it?
the power we all hold is tremendous and awe-inspiring.
for some time now i've been attempting to recognize control in my dreams. to recognize control and administer it most definitely could be one of the greatest things i could do for myself and my growth. the knowledge i can acquire, both of myself and of my universe. in turn i would be able to explore so much more, delve into realms seldom connected to purposefully, engage in higher energy waves and promote a connection with the divine i have, in the past, only been able to dream of (pun intended).
the line, very recently, has finally been crossed, and i came to recognize my dream state. while amidst a lovely day with friends and family, i came to realize that i was not on this plane, but an entirely different one. how i came to this i can't really say, i somewhat stumbled over the fact, and even went so far as to second guess myself, continuing on in that different realm without any exploration. i woke up in this plane confused, and thinking that the dream had actually been the day previous. i even started getting dressed for work because i thought it was saturday and i had to work on saturday. it was some time, luckily before i made it to work, that i found it to be friday. and that what i thought was the previous day's events were actually an entirely different plane of existence's events.
i hope i make sense.
but who's to tell me otherwise right? what are the differences between this and other dimensions or planes or realms or what-have-you? can you tell me? some told me that it was that this one was 'real' where as others weren't. not to sound too matrix-y but what makes this plane real? all that makes this real is our minds, our thoughts, our recognition that we exist on this plane. thats what connects all of us on this dimension....recognition.
but i think, nay, i know, that if we can only learn to recognize our existences on other planes we could explore those just as much, and have entirely new and enriching connections with others.
hence...my dream journeys.
i'm still ignorant of my control over myself and my mind in my dream state. i've yet to fully embrace myself during those sequences, but i have continued to awake with memories of different times in my head. i awake only to find that what i thought had happened the previous day (or sometimes days) had in fact not happened. on this plane.
and i find myself getting fearful of it, again during times of losing myself. i slip and tell myself that i don't trust my mind, that i'm going crazy, that perhaps i did just a few too many psychotropics in my day....but then i bitch slap myself.
how dare i not trust my control? i have recognized and actually grown from learning to control my mind and my thoughts. there was a time i was lost in negativity and self-hate, but through concentrations on love and realizing that i was the one putting myself in negative mind states, i have become the repulsively positive person i am now.
so i know that the fear and uneasiness i have about my getting deeper and deeper into my mind and more and more connected with my universe and the divine is expected, why wouldn't it be? but it is controllable. i tell myself this time and time again.
i'm excited for future submerges into the unknown yet known, for in thoughts and mind are the stuff of truth found. the physical means nothing at all.
i am a body of energy having a physical experience.
and true, i would still like to explore this physical illusion which is my 'reality'. but since it all lies within me, in a way i've already seen it, right? ;)
i think we sell ourselves short when we focus on whats in front of us. earth is a mother which does truly need to be loved and cared for, and the stars and galaxies are wondrous things to set our eyes upon, but these bullshit things we seem to concern ourselves with other than those or the explorations of our inner selves.....ridiculous. yet so many our lost in things that don't matter.
it saddens me.
until the populations' wake up call rings true...YAY EVOLUTION....i shall delve into my fibers of being, discover the inner workings and the passageways i contain within myself. no fear is to be held onto, no ignorant thought to be felt true...i shall only let myself go unbarred and free spirited. i hold the truth so why shouldn't i do the driving?
i wish you all luck on your journeys.

and now....to bed.
yay.

have i ever fallen for a best friend?
twice.
tricky part is, they're both also guys. and you never really know how coming out and telling your best buddy that you could see you taking it to the next level is gonna affect it.
the first time it happened, i grew some testies and went for it. he acted like i never said it, and we grew apart, and i lost my best friend.
next time...i kept it to myself.
problem with falling for a friend is making sure you know the difference between the two loves you can have: friend and lover. blurring the lines can get tricky.
so i let my love brew in me....and now i'm over it. i still love him to death, but as my best friend.
i'm okay with that.
<3

this is my first post since four or someodd years ago.
a period of change and evolution.
this plane is growing at an amazing energetic rate...as people want to believe and entrust in love and unity. the change is happening, and the switch will flip.
oh how fun that will be.
and i'm preparing heart and mind for it.
my past posts shined through with insecurity and self-hate. a negative ned of sorts. i was unsure and out of self-love for myself, and it brought me and my actions and my thoughts down. i was in a period of lesson, through only the dark may the light shine through. and it has made me appreciate and enjoy the bright that much more. i was neck deep in blind hate. and now i see the light.
today i've been witnessing many souls displaying something that they have invested much time and passion in. and most did it simply to bring what they themselves love to the masses, for all to be immersed in. people poring there hearts out, regardless of what others think, but still hoping that others will feel their passion. it was somewhat inspiring.
i have passions and loves. things i spend a lot of time concentrating on and learning about. mine may not be something i've invented, or a physical talent i've mastered, but it isn't lacking in fervor or dedication by any means. however, mine isn't coming through as brightly as these others i've been surrounded with. i'm keeping mine in, not so much selfishly, but for some other reason.
i know my next hurdle. i've seen it.
theres some experience i've had already that i haven't yet grasped the lesson of. and i'm sure that lesson is that i have some worth that i can share with others. i love me. i'm confident in the fact that i love myself and who've i've grown to be. and who i'm growing to be. but something is pulling me back, and in an attempt to confront those issues i'm revisiting all old journal entries and pictures and memories. something is buried that i need to dig up.
hence lj. :)
this will come when it needs to, and i'm confident, with trust in the divine and faith in myself, that i shall confront it head on and with gracefulness unbecoming of the arrogant and cowardly and fearful. i have love in my heart and spirit, this i know.
but until that time arises, i'm taking steps to prepare and engulf myself in growth. this, example one. writing...constantly. i asked on a really old lj entry once 'if you were a pen, what would you be forced to write?'. my answer then was superficial and lacking in any self-love. now, i'd have to say...: i wouldn't be forced to write anything, for i am the pen and the writer, and my only goal is to write whats in my heart.
next example: i'm going to enforce even more control in my daily life, through consistent yoga, (my yoga is every other day or so now) meditation, the ways i exert my body, such as working out more, and the things i put into my body. it seems i might have a problem with that. i love myself any which way i am, but i love myself enough also to keep me healthy. and though i'm just an energy and spirit and light in a vessel traveling through this plane, i wouldn't mind keeping my ship in pristine condition.
last example: i will search for true desires. whatever they may be. i know a few...but i want to know them all.
the evolution is coming, no avoiding it. and i feel as though i can be a great part of it, maybe even help others. this would be wonderful, and would fill my heart tremendously...i'm excited too. love is a beautiful thing, i was always so envious of those who radiated with it. but now i think i do too, i know i do, i feel it. i feel so much. and i'm excited to feel more....keep the lessons coming universe.
i'm ready now.

<3